Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
