When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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