Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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