I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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