I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
