i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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