They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Randomize
