I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
