what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
