Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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