And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
