she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
