once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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