the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like, not good at living.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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