I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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