Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Don't EVER smell your tampon
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
