my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize