Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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