my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
