My boss' voice literally gives me gas
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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