ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
