Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
