she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Also, beer. Big fan.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
