Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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