Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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