Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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