No awkward lesbian experiences without me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
