Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Randomize
