My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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