I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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