remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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