so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
