break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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