Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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