The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
