he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
