so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
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do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
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