Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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