He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
