There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
