So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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