she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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