just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
