i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
