Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
