I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
