she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
