i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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