Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
