I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
