I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
