I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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