its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
