Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
