A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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