So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
