things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
we're so committed to being not committed
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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