She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He? As in you personified your dick?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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