I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
