I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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