Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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