I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
